Tatoo idea

I shall admit from the beginning that this idea did originate from looking through pictures of an ex, but the idea is still mine so .

I wish to get a tat.
Now that i think about it, i think i would like it to be a short poem that alludes to another poem of mine, one that alludes to a book i like, as well as yet another poem. This poem, in turn, will allude to a person i cherish, and yet another poem, about family and yet one more poem. I shall continue in said manner till i reach a point where i think that the most important things in my life are accounted for.
I’m never one to put everything into one pot, i like to separate things and let them stand on their own, so i shall do just the same here.

365 B

365 B-a sentence a day. One sentence to summarize the day, to explain a thought, something to give a living timeline to the year.

14/4/12- The first thing i see is cherry blossoms blooming, and the last thing i see is cherry blossoms; looks like today really WAS coming around full circle.

15/4/12- While trying to look up the movie “serendipity”, i stumbled upon the movie felicity; one is a romantic comedy, the other is a romantic porno; take your pick.

16/4/12- I was told i was to get a little one-night dancing job, like many i’ve had before; who would have known i would need to learn to balance a bottle on my head, from a guy who danced with my mother when i was two and another who came with me and mom to Vegas when i was 6?

17/4/12- Got home after failing to give blood (the line was too long and i had to get home), decided to get to sleep early; knocked out before i could answer my girlfriend’s text or even shower. (Oops)

18/4/12- Rehearsed the Jewish Bottle Dance, got to meet more people, and now have rehearsals or work for the rest of the week.

19/4/12-  More rehearsals, but i am enjoying being taken, it has been too long, since i felt good about being with someone.

20/4/12- Tried to stay awake till six and see someone at six, but alas, i missed the sunrise; with only two hours of sleep i have trudged on with the day.

21/4/12- it seems this relationship is engulfed in cherry blossom flowers and is constantly dancing on their petals; at least, its beautiful.

22/4/12-wow the rain just washed everything in this world, looks like the pink carpet got skipped this year, it went shit-brown right after the rain.

23/4/12- not a bit of work done, but deep conversations with a special person make things great.

24/4/12- saw a snippet of Dear john after talking about the movie, and heard “pretty lady” play after complimenting my girl; god the coincidences are piling up. (looks like Kundera was right)

25/4/12-strange, i worked on my Spanish a little, and even ventured onto my email, but all of a sudden the day just slipped away from me; time is flowing too fast.

26/4/12- my old school had put on Grease, the musical, it was great to visit, even though i ended up being a bit of a third wheel to a couple by the end.

27/4/12- experiments went to hell, going to skype on sunday to figure out what we can do to better everything.

28/4/12- saw the “lucky one” with my own romantic partner, but did not like the movie much, i would have liked a chick flick more than what i saw.

29/4/12-work and nap time; a day wasted, but now i shall probably take phlebotomy courses and hopefully get a job.

30/4/12- i shall be working on “as you like it” by Shakespeare for the next few nights in succession, oh how i will sleep after it all ends.

1/5/12- i tried staying up all night, so that i could write an essay on shakespeare and fell asleep, skipped class and wasted most of the next day anyway.

2/5/12- day wasted away in bed, but 5 pages of the essay written at night.

3/5/12- rested and played dominos; played around with a fire striker i got in my mail recently. (set a few things on fire… oops)

4/5/12- dad’s birthday; i ended up staying up till 5 am for no reason.

5/5/12- fixing Internet, setting up nook, and other small chores, are all just a way to avoid the mountain of work awaiting me because the semester is at an end.

6/5/12- scarlet moon, a strange occurrence, the thing that is supposed to be blue is actually red, hmmm almost poetic in it’s own being; i think i shall write my poem soon.

365 A

365 A-a word a day, something new, something interesting, something I learned today or something that describes my day, but ONE word a day. After a year, I shall make a story with these 365 words in the order they appear in.

forgive me if they are not what you expected, but i hope to explain the day with these one word clues.

14/4/12– coincidence.
15/4/12– serendipity.
16/4/12– hegemony.
17/4/12– heinous.
18/4/12– lethargic.
19/4/12– memory.
20/4/12– bludgeon.
21/4/12– virtuosity.
22/4/12– gaol.
23/4/12– conflagration.
24/4/12– inevitability.
25/4/12– bohemian.
26/4/12– mourning.
27/4/12– remorse.
28/4/12–enlighten.
29/4/12– iridescent.
30/4/12– glacial.
1/5/12– erudite.

The Juggling Act

I was only 16 when i wrote this… three years ago. Wow, it seems like a life time but in my case (right now) it is a little less than 1/6th of my lifetime. Well either way, the background story is thus: I was with my girlfriend for about 7.5 months or so and she was going off to Poland… She said she will keep a diary, so I said I should too…  It seems that this diary starts a few weeks after she comes back. … but i shall edit this little intro as i read this diary of mine.

This is a long read, so take it in parts… a day or two at a time.
Welcome into my 16 year-old mind.

August 20, 2009 3:06 pm

Mad, confused, frustrated, and angry, I feel all these things right now. Mostly because what you said in your text really hit a sore string. Failure, I would think that a seven letter word such as this would have not much affect on me. Maybe think that since I experience it so much that I would maybe immune to its sting. Sadly I am not, I feel its fiery singe deep down I don’t let it show but the all fails that I have amassed over the years all of them just hurt me like salt on a wound I wish I could just wash it with some alcohol and be rid of it (maybe that’s the way alcoholics start out), but I don’t I know that I’m genetically predisposed to alcoholism and so I don’t drink often, your asking me not to do it just strengthened my reasons for not doing so. When you told me to start this book thing I told you my two reasons for not doing it but they weren’t the complete truth, and I have a feeling that you knew that. My first reason was as I had said that in this house there is no such thing as privacy, in-fact my mother will usually walk into my showers and do her own things while I’m in there, as you know our shower curtains are see-through, I feel like I’m in a circus side show being shown naked. I don’t have a problem with being naked, but it’s my mother there not some girl. My second reason is that, I am afraid that I will fail; I think that I will start this thing and just like many, many other things I will stop it and “call it quits”.

I realized that you might not remember the text I am talking about because I don’t know when you will read this, so here it is “I had that thought but I decided not to tell you cuz I realized you’ll try but fail at doing the same thing I do” this was a reply to my message that reads “I’m sorry I feel awful about it… I guess I can try on my comp…” this whole conversation had happened because you continued to write in your book and I had asked to read it one day. You later commented that it was in a way unfair that you pour your heart out to me and I don’t do it back. I had this thought before and I do feel bad about it, that you are a open book to me and I am still stuck in my premature shell of secrecy, that has had served me all these years to keep me “sane” and I guess not made fun of.

You have as of now sent me two texts asking forgiveness and I don’t know what to do: I can say I forgive you and still feel mad at you (I’m just still feeling this anger) , I can tell you that I have yet to forgive you and tell you to give me some space for today (but I do not wish to make you feel bad about this much longer), I can send you this journal entry and see what you feel (but I also feel like just keeping it a secret and then just giving you like a month’s worth of  entries [but I’m not sure I’ll write so much]). I guess ill send this to you through facebook and hope you will not be mad at me in return (I’m beginning to get past the anger now.

Well I have to finish eng prep homework but I can not do so while writing this to you because forty minutes passed while I wrote this.

August 21, 2009 12:10 am

After class I was thinking of going home but some force drove me to see you and so I did . There we talked and I broke down on you a few times, and cried but after it, right now and for the last few hours, I feel… I don’t know just intoxicated-ly happy. I’ll write some things in your book but not sure what things; all I do know is that it will be in Russian haha I guess I’m doing it for a few reasons. Well not really I think it’s mostly to showcase my slightly better handwriting. I wish you were here to kiss me but since you aren’t; I’ll wait till I see you next.

Things I need to do forVictoria’s class

Print out seventy pages of quizzes and try to fill them out

Read

Wuthering heights

Frankenstein

War of the worlds

Jekyll and Hyde

Scarlet letter

August 21, 2009 9:55 pm

I went shopping today… bought three hundred dollars worth of shit which turn out to be four or five shirts, three button downs, two pairs of jeans, and like three jackets only one that I actually want but eh it doesn’t matter.

I saw you today and was going to give you the book but I haven’t written in it so you told me to hold on to it until I do. You told me that you took some pictures of the sunset; I wish to see them. I would like to take a day and take lots of pictures of you in different settings.

I miss you.

I still need to write an essay for eng prep so I’ll be back tomorrow with more things. Hopefully.

August 23, 2009 2:28 am

I finished the essay finally about to send it. Ok it’s off. Today I printed out 93 pages at the library, but right before I got on the comp, guess who I saw. I saw Vicky and Merriam. It was really cool because I went to buy some food for the hour long wait at the library while reading the dooms day book and I saw Merriam walking away from the library towards me. She looked familiar but until she said something and smiled I couldn’t remember where I knew her from. But I realized eventually, we later talked and that was sort of fun. I later talked to olya, she is trying to get over me (she deleted me from her phone until I texted her and told her that I need to reprimand her). I talked a bit about her drinking alcohol but she wasn’t listening much. When I left because mom called me to leave, she texted me that she wishes to talk to me about something, she wouldn’t tell me what so I guess its something important. Work was fun but smelly (the owners are trying to catch a cat with this metal contraption and the bait smells really pungently rotten) but they haven’t caught it yet (the cat ran into the restaurant and is pissing on the costumes) not cool. I wish I could get a massage from you because between the essay and this e-journal my back starts to hurt.

You wrote a long, long thing today about your dark middle school life, I guess I’ll share some of my own dark days that I don’t think about some day but right now I’m falling asleep and can’t type much more. I love you

August 23, 2009 11:30 pm

I’m telling you that I’m going to sleep right now but it’s not true, I’m just depressed right now. When you told me about fuad’s party I began thinking about all my “haters” but not in the joking rap way, but in the way that these people actually hate me. Many of these people have a reason for it, but just like any other person when you hate someone you can outright show it or do it secretly. Maybe it’s just me but I think that almost EVERYONE I know secretly hates me. I wonder why Fuad hates me…

August 24, 2009 10:35 pm

Today you told me that the party will be at some other restaurant. And the very first thing I felt was sadness I think I know why too. It’s because secretly I wish that you guys would come there, see me dance and then later say good things about my dancing. Now although I would be embarrassed I will also be happy as FUCK if that happened, but I guess not… unless you cunningly decided to tell me that it’s not there and then later come and surprise me, that would be nice and EVIL of you. But I would love you for doing it, but if the reviews of my dancing are bad… well I’d still love you. Id still love you like I always do but I guess you aren’t as evil as I think you are capable of being.

Today I had an almost fatal fever, or so Google says (my doc was shocked too). It was 40 degrees Celsius… not good. I was so touched by how worried you became … I love you.

p.s. the hummer limo thing will most likely be pretty boring once you get past the TV, the lasers, lights and music. And since you will be there and you will be there without your boyfriend, when other people start coupling up you might find yourself in awkward situations… or maybe I’m just jealous for not being invited. I do wish you have fun.

August 25, 2009 10:47 pm

So today I had a higher temp than I should have… it jumped up to 104.8… But it’s ok now. I now met Danny and I saw Paulina again but still yet to have met them face-to-face. Yesterday you mentioned something about some restaurant thing and sadly I can’t remember the first of these but I felt two emotions. One was happiness because I had thought of the things that I had thought of yesterday and then I don’t know what the name for the emotion is but I had a few thoughts mostly something like the ones I had yesterday the ones when you go and have fun without me. I guess this is because I have no friends right now. Sadly that’s mostly my fault, but I guess that’s the way it will be until I can learn to balance you school and my friends. That’s one hell of a juggling act. Hmmm that gives me an idea… that is what I’ll call this “book” The Juggling Act I like it. Do you? Do you think it’s the right thing?

August 26, 2009 7:53 pm

Since there isn’t much to talk about that happened before my bro had fucked up his new electric scooter’s tire and dad later fixed it, I’ll talk about your last text. Ok the one a few before last actually, but that’s beside the point. It says “we’re leaving Saturday in the morning…” next text, “and I’m coming back on Sep 7^th” I had sent you many sad faces and you asked what’s wrong. The thing is, I have been sick this week, I haven’t seen you in a week already and now you tell me you will be gone almost a week and a half. I would like to hang out with you on the few days we have left before the school starts, but… I guess I can’t. It isn’t your fault and I’m sorry for taking it out on you. I thought about coming over on Thursday of Friday but your father wouldn’t want me to, most likely. In a way I agree with your father, I shouldn’t come because at the pace you are going at right now you probably won’t finish your homework any time soon and taking them with you, isn’t much of an option. You have to finish these pictures, books and all that other stuff, and you only have two more days. I don’t want to take away more time that you should be spending on your homework. For some reason I don’t even wish to speak to you while you are on vacation. I don’t know why though, maybe I just want some revenge, but it’s aimed at the wrong person. I think I figured it out I think the more animalistic feeling of jealousy wants you not to have fun there and to suffer as well. Hmmm I guess I figured it out. and now I wish I could be with you currently, but I can’t, and I shouldn’t come see you on Thursday but if you finish your homework I’ll come on Friday. That sounds awkward coming from my mouth.

August 29, 2009 1:37 pm

Well I saw you on Friday, nothing happened on Thursday to write about. Yesterday (Friday) I saw you and had another idea for how to do the next surprise . My little monkey on the mail thing didn’t work as well as I had hoped but it was funny anyway.

August 30, 2009 1:37 am same time

I just saw the (well not JUST but ya…) I saw it its cute but I hope that the big surprise I have been waiting for wasn’t just that. I’m still sort of hoping that the restaurant things come true the way that I wish they did… but I don’t know if you are that cunning and sinister, I hope you are.

I played some hoops, hurt my jaw, and worked. Lets hope that I can play wit you sometime, maybe you, ada, I, and maybe if she has a boyfriend by then maybe we can all play but I cant have my hopes up. I’ll teach you kukareku and you’ll teach me dice and then we all will learn poker because this game is universal and you must know it.

I’m going to go to PA tomorrow early morning so… I’ll go to sleep now

September 1, 2009 1:02 pm

I came back yesterday but hadn’t had the chance to write here, so I’m doing it now. The trip was mainly uneventful, we came, we saw, we concurred. Lol no, we came, brother wanted to go swim, we swam in the freezing water, and then we went home, ate and slept. Lol waste of time but it was nice. Oh we also mowed all the lawn.

September 2, 2009 1:00 pm

You asked me to write the dream so… ill try

I’m not sure how it started but it was somehow connected to school and street racing. I was in some room, presumably mine, I looked out the window to a forested road scene but parked along the road were tens of cars some of which somehow connected to a show I have watched on TV. Some people had at random periods of time gotten in and rode off in the cars and so I see you get in one and back up into another one that somehow opened at the front and you came inside; just as you would when driving into a garage. I came outside really fast and got in the car with you; we drove off and the race begins. We drove through some loop-de-loop thing like a rollercoaster. There was “power up”s that we had to get to be able to go through the next part of the race, which now is taking place inside a house it seemed. I think that after we take a shrinking “power up” I get out because we weren’t supposed to take it and we couldn’t go on. And I found the growth “power up” thing I took it, you took it but then we realized that the car is still small so I went to look for a shrinking one now, then I took that and while I was shrinking I tried to measure up with you like I said I will but you seemed to have taken the shrinking thing too. But I was shrinking faster and so some thought came to me (the thought was “hey my dick will be so small I wouldn’t be able to hurt her; we should do it!” ya weird) but I try to get to do it with you but you are on the last day of your period and you don’t seem to want to do it. So we don’t but ya…

The dream ends here but I have to say that this has almost none of the details that I saw… sadly I cant remember our car but I remember some of them.

September 4, 2009 11:33 am

You are in upstateNew York, so that leaves me here to rot and die here. Well its not that bad but ya… it is boring here and I would like to see your pretty face and sexy body. But instead I have to endure my mother, brother, sister, father. And on the one day you will be back, I won’t be I’ll be in a car driving back home. That ruins all my plans but, I do have one that it doesn’t ruin. I need to cut a heart, get some rope, and write something on the heart. Then somehow sneak onto your roof and hang the heart out onto your window… I hope you like it.

2:52 pm

I spoke to you about the “plan” the one that I might be able to come see you early on Tuesday. I would have to babysit with you in the morning but later be able to have some time with you when dad grabs the children off me. But you seemed so inattentive and uncaring, maybe it was my imagination but I heard what I heard. I hope to see you and be alone with you but if I can’t I would like to be with you. I just imagined you breaking up with me because you and I never get to see each other. It is a sad, sad thought, I hope this never happens.

September 5, 2009 3:04 am

While lying in bed I had many thoughts swirling inside my head. Some about the window surprise, some about the surprise breakfast, some about the next time I see you and have sushi, about these journals. All these thoughts came and went until they all tied into a few but key plans. So as not to forget and also to a degree to prove to myself that I am not dreaming because this moment has a certain dream like quality, maybe it’s the fact that I need sleep, I have decided to write this down. On a week in September I will call your mother and tell her this plan once I work out some of the fine details. That week I will wait till Saturday and make my move. I will wake up early, earlier than you and take some money, go to the store and buy bread and eggs; I will then go to your house with the food produce and a prepared heart with a message on it and a ball of string.

Once at your house I will walk to the roof and carefully lower the heart on string to your window, hopefully it will face you. I will then go downstairs and ask your mother to let me in. I will quietly start cooking. While the water boils I will walk to your room and take a paper on which I will write “open the window and look out” or have your mother do it in polish . In the message on the heart I’ll tell you that I am waiting for you in the kitchen you will then find out that I cooked an English breakfast for the family. Aren’t I clever?

My second cohesive bunch of thoughts is one that I will explain to you in person when I see you next Tuesday (if all this isn’t a dream). I will tell you that I had another thought on the journal books. My thought consists of the fact that we aren’t together when we share these books and that we should so that the author may provide insight on the feelings and thoughts behind the text which might have eluded the reader. I believe that we should do the exchanges every time we eat out together. First ten twenty min after we get there and order we should read and then talk about all this. This way it can be a fluid, well-educated, conversation recapping what has happened and what we see for the future. I do think that there are things to be gained from having a passionate round of love making every month-aversary but this idea also hold much appeal to me.

My last thoughts are mostly a mimic of yours but turned against you. Today you told me that I should tell you a word that I would like you to call me, but I objected lightly and said that you should think of one, this objection was answered by an objection of your own stating that you want me to think of a name for you to use for me. My objection was on the same thought that I had had before and it is that when people love each other they should do special things for each other. In my case it is surprises and for a while in your case it was your notebook (which I love), but now I am doing this notebook thing as well and I like it:) but to repeat you “I think that I am putting so much work into this and you aren’t; I think its not fair” I mean this for the surprises not the notebook. I have made a few, not too many, but I have and I think a while for them and you have thought some time for the few lovely ones that you sprung on me and I love them. But I think that there were a little too few of them I wish there were more not many but some. At least think of a good name or phrase that you like and sounds cute or sexy of sweet because I will love it if it’s anyone of those.

Now this also came to me tonight. Remember when you told me that you will try to give me a bj once? I told you that if you don’t want to, you don’t have to. I still stand by that but I will say this also; I would like you to give me one, but when you do I don’t want you to do it to me and I will be left there feeling awkward standing. I want to try and pleasure you while you try to do so to me. I believe the easiest way for that to happen is in the sixty-nine position.

More thoughts, soon, actually in just four days school will begin and the real juggling will begin. The juggling act will actually contain more “balls” that I had originally thought. I must keep not only grades and you up in the air but also the few friends that I still need to obtain, or get back, and also my family, the babysitting and such things. This thought streamed to another. I do dislike Alina, Mitchell and their crew, but I believe the reason I do so is a really unjust one at best. I believe that the reason is mostly jealousy; I am jealous of the fact that they do not have a sibling of which they must take care but also I am jealous that they are much better jugglers, actors, liars and multitask-ers. The juggling and multitasking are the same; they can control their family, grades, friends and other aspects of their lives without much trouble. The acting and lying are also similes, they can lie through their teeth and get what they want from any position they might be in. I just now had a thought that they can also manipulate people, this is also true and with this also goes seduction, but not in the sexual way but in the befriending way.

Somehow all this got to you and I thought about how you procrastinate a lot, and how you seem to run away from many problems until you reach a dead end. And then I saw many of the same traits in myself.

September 6, 2009 3:00 am

I decided to clarify the thoughts I wrote yesterday. The only thought I think is worth clarifying is the procrastination. Yesterday while typing this I was having doubts about this topic; I tried to prove it to my self that you DO procrastinate more than is “healthy” for a teenage girl. I could not come up with anything, but today I did. Most of your essays, you told me this yourself, are written by starting it one night, and waking up early the next morning and doing it right before you go to school. That is not healthy but I completely understand because I’ve done it too. But this summer I have been going toVictoria’s and with work and all my other duties I have actually gained some more control over myself. I now can tell myself to write the essays and I do it, mind you it does take a few hours to get me to start and all that but in general, I do it. I wish that you get this control over yourself.

Another thought came to me, but before I start; this thought may sound mean but remember that I come from the heart wishing you the best. When you walk, you stomp really loud on your heel, I told you this before and you told me that you don’t notice it. Well I asked around and most grown-ups agree that if you walk like that then you may end up with spinal cord problems, knee problems, and other things. My mother said that this is why most girls are sent for gymnastics, dancing, or other graceful sports when they are young, so that their posture and walking is corrected. We both know that you haven’t received any of those trainings (but I am interested in what you did learn at a young age) but I thought about the fact that people without the training can have great posture and graceful walking styles. So I propose that we try to make you walk differently, nothing drastic just practice walking toe-heel instead of heel-toe. I’ll explain this in person much better than on paper. But all this is because I don’t want you to have back problems at a young age. I love you.

September 7, 2009 1:15 pm

Although I expected to have nothing to write about I actually have some things to say. All of yesterday dad and I worked on a piping system that we were building. So we had to build a long trench; I liked the workout, but the soreness in my joints not so much. So hopefully you will give me a massage and maybe it will even turn into an erotic one . On that note, last night I went to sleep in my bed and felt so lonely. My bed in PA is a queen or a king so I have so much room and no one to share it with. I wish you and I could come here by ourselves and have some passionate sex on it and then cuddle and sleep together… I miss you.

September 8, 2009 5:26 am

We just left the community, so I lost my wifi service; we’re in the car, Anthony, ksenia, senya, dad and I, wow what a big family, I wonder if I should stay awake typing up as many things and thoughts as I can or if I should curl up in the back of the car and sleep while day dreaming that you are with me and are stroking my hair while I fall asleep (or start crying from loneliness, helplessness and friendlessness. Wow those are words. I wonder…. Friendlessnessly…nope

Ok I should sleep because I have a big day ahead of me.

September 9, 2009 10:24 pm

Yesterday was fine I guess. Not great, but fine; the sushi got me really full but the chocolate was nice. I got a feeling that you never have fun at these things that you and I do, and I want to fix that. I want you to smile and to enjoy our month celebrations not go to them because you have to. I wish you would make up some surprises for me because I am getting tired of always thinking things up and never getting things back from them, other than the rare smile. I wish you would be more open to me as well; it seems that something is bothering you and you do not wish to tell me. I wish to fix this dilemma so that we could have a wonderful time together instead of an OK one.

The first day of school went so much worse than I expected, lunch especially. I thought it would be nice to have you in my lunch period but you always wish to run off and DO something, like a workaholic. I believe you need to learn to relax, especially with your new schedule, because we both heard that it’s bad. I need to teach you some card games.

I love you.

September 10, 2009 9:27 pm

I am feeling angry, homicidal, backstabbed, and frustrated. That bitch Vicktoria told my mother such fucking lies. Ugh!!! My mother called Vicktoria, while in the car with me, on speaker phone, and asked how I am in class; I did not expect a great report but I also did not expect the shit that Vicktoria said. Vicktoria had explained that I do not do my HW when I missed like one and only a single part of it was missing. She mentioned that I do not write essays; I have written one every week for the last month, I did; however, not write them the first three weeks of attending her class but otherwise I did them. She said that I did not revise them after she sent them back; this pissed me off especially, because I have just a day ago received her corrections of my revision. My mom then had asked if Vicky thinks I am ready for the test, she said no, but I did not find that surprising.

Just before my mother dropped me off her and I had a screaming fit and I am just insanely frustrated. But this doesn’t compare to the sadness I felt swell in me when you called and asked if I would like you to leave me alone. I am so, so sorry. It’s just that I didn’t want to snap out at you and because there is always someone listening in my house. I love you. I had just sent the message and I hope you get to read it and forgive me. Maybe I’ll be able to come by really early and get to your stop.

September 13, 2009 3:10 am

I came there and I did surprise you, but when you saw me, you looked more annoyed than happy to see me, and that hurt me. I felt like a fool for coming. But you explained the look you gave me as “I didn’t know what to do” and this angered me a bit; what do you mean “not know” just do what feels right; whether it is hugging me, kissing me, or even slapping me.

I had a few thoughts today, one that you should work out, I’m sorry to sound mean but right now you do have some fat on you, you are still sexy but you can be even more so. I would like to be that guy that has a model girlfriend sorry. And I guess that it’s only fair since I work out, not everyday, but I still do.

I also thought about the fact that you won’t be able to see this file the way I had first intended for you to see it so I will just tell you that it is called “The Juggling Act”. It is so called because of reasons stated on days you previously read.

September 14, 2009 12:51 am

Today I did nothing other than homework and didn’t have many thought; I do wonder what you have written in your book; is there any succulent information?

September 15, 2009 12:43 am

Well today went lots better than yesterday, I did things; even though I had left my eng and environment hws at home and had to rewrite Brit. Lit. on the train. About environment, I hate the class because my classmates are retards, but I think the reason for us being placed together wasn’t coincidental but quiet purposefully done- so as not to contaminate the higher level class- keep the breeds apart.

But on a happier note, my brother is learning how to play the recorder and I am remembering how to do it . It’s so fun to try again and get it so quickly, even though it’s almost alien to me. On an even happier note, I looked at my self in the mirror today and liked the way I looked I went through some “bodybuilder motions” and saw some cut muscles; I did this because I was fooling around wit Zack, earlier today in the locker room, and went through the movements; he told me I looked cut. And now I agree now we need you to look sexy and we’ll kill the school.

 

September 15, 2009 5:54 pm

I’m sorry that I lied, but I didn’t want to say what I had thought; I realized that I’m not in sac. I had realized it when I walked away from the school for food; my questions were “what extracurricular activities did you do?” “What extracurricular activities do you do now?” and “tell us about a time you had worked well with a group that wasn’t a good group”. I guess what is to be expected with my average, I should get a medical form soon for track. I’m not angry that you walked away because I know that a VP can’t have bias opinions and nor will you voting me in serve as a good thing. Now that my short rant is over, I will go do HW and simmer.

 

September 15, 2009 6:14 pm

Ok maybe I’m not done; I guess I’m just really disappointed because I had my hopes up. Ugh now I feel crushed, but as I said, what can I want when my grades are as low as they are? I feel like shit; no I am shit. Ugh I actually wanted and had aimed for something just to be smacked down. Fuck! This wouldn’t have happened if I wouldn’t have started to be more open. Fuck!

 

September 18, 2009 7:03 am

 

Ok, well I am not as mad as I was back then, in fact I am quiet happy . Yesterday you were so spontaneous and you tried to surprise me; I loved it. I know that I just ate during lunch, but I was shell shocked that you did something other than hug me and talk to the group, I’m sorry.  Although I didn’t react in an appropriate manner, I still loved that you had showed your emotion . I love you and I can’t wait to see the better and more well-planned surprises.

Used to it or not, it still feels shitty not to go someplace with your girlfriend because some guy invited her to a party. A bit of jealousy mixed with anger, at him, at her and to a much greater extent at my.  I wish I wasn’t the kind of person that no one liked, the kind of person that people deliberately crossed off their party invites. Through all this I still have a little candle burning hoping that you were cunning and tricky and the party actually is in National. I wonder if I’m just going to be burned by my candle or if it will light the tunnel.

September 20, 2009 11:41 pm

I have yet to write about yesterday or about today so the short list is

Fuad’s party

Work

You coming over

Our third “first”

The covers

Talk about kids

And here is the one that is meant for last but I will begin with

Our talk on aim and the things that happened after it.

Nathanial had started the talk with straight out stating that you guys talked about the fact that I suck at pleasuring you; this burned really deep, and demolished my pride to crater. I did attack back and I am very dory for that, but I needed to regain at least some of my composure. Just as I gained my composure I am reprimanded and taught on how to make you feel good, I know he had good intentions, but that still was like salt on a wound. Then you come back and retaliate on my counter attack from before, and I begin to ire. At first at you but when Nathanial tries to mend his little game of didactic god, he asks a question (almost a cliché) “poorlostguy@gmail.com (11:06:48 PM): Tell me what you love about herEugene?

poorlostguy@gmail.com (11:06:51 PM): I want to know

poorlostguy@gmail.com (11:07:25 PM): Don’t say this isn’t the right time

poorlostguy@gmail.com (11:07:30 PM): Don’t give me some witty remark

poorlostguy@gmail.com (11:07:34 PM): Tell me about it

theyevgeniy (11:08:32 PM): i dont have any real concrete things, but she makes me happier than any other person on this world ever did. she is the best(sounds corny I know) but she … idk

poorlostguy@gmail.com (11:09:20 PM): Tell me about all those little things that make you smile?

theyevgeniy (11:10:19 PM): idk… look i just got yelled at to go to sleep ( i really did)

theyevgeniy (11:10:28 PM): good night.

poorlostguy@gmail.com (11:10:31 PM):Eugene.

poorlostguy@gmail.com (11:10:33 PM): Wait.

theyevgeniy (11:10:39 PM): ill see you tomorrow

theyevgeniy (11:10:41 PM): yes

poorlostguy@gmail.com (11:10:42 PM): Don’t let her go to sleep like this

poorlostguy@gmail.com (11:10:56 PM): Don’t leave her hurt because of me.

poorlostguy@gmail.com (11:11:16 PM): I tired to get you to open up a little to me, tell her about those little things

poorlostguy@gmail.com (11:11:20 PM): It will make it better

theyevgeniy (11:11:39 PM): … thing is… idk what those things are.

theyevgeniy (11:11:48 PM): hows that on for size

poorlostguy@gmail.com (11:13:22 PM): You mean to tell me, you can’t pull out of gentle kiss, look into those eyes and think “I love her.”

poorlostguy@gmail.com (11:13:37 PM): And you can’t tell me that it makes you happy when you do”

I can come out of the kisses and think I love you and I do at times, but when ever I think of the first question, such a simple thing really, I cant list one thing other than the fact that you know me the best and that you make me smile; there is one more but I don’t know how true this is “I’ve never felt this strongly for anyone before”. I feel like that statement is true but I can not prove it nor put any proof to it. I feel like I might have been lying to you and myself all this time. I don’t know what to say or how to say it, but I feel awful. That’s not what I wanted to say, not even close, but I cant put words to emotion. Ughhh this is frustrating, not only is this shit pissing me off at myself, but also I can’t see, my eyes are getting blurry with tears. Now back to these:

1. Fuad’s party

2. Work

3. You coming over

4. Our third “first”

5. The covers

6. Talk about kids

1, I had gotten sad that you were invited and I stayed behind even though I knew I couldn’t go. I stayed quiet for a while, but you texted me, and I had to respond so I pretended to be happy; I didn’t want to ruin the party for you. You went to the party, weren’t answering my texts; I had decided that you were having fun there dubbing vlad and the people that were there, I didn’t yet know who were there; I guess it was jealousy mostly-

We just did our facebook email thing and I’m in tears, hardly capable of breathing, but from anger at myself and the joy that it might be over. I can right now safely and confidently say “I love you.”

-          (this might be confusing to read but I’m writing about it as it happens, sorry)

I was just about to resume the writing of this day when I read your latest message and now I’m devastated. More and more shit ugh! I keep crying.

September 20, 2009 11:41 pm

Well it’s the next day, but I haven’t forgotten, thanks to my bulletin list . Well now I’m about to transition onto the work, fun and profitable this week (show and background) so I had fun except that I read your slow song texts and then a slow song played, don’t remember the name but I wish you and I were together there. Oh well, now I’m remembering you coming over, our pillow fights and some tickling and laying there together, all the things that we don’t get to do, all the things that I wish we did more because they are simple happiness, without the complications of sex. The sex was great I call it our third first because I thought that the pre-Poland time was our first then you counted the one before yesterday our first and then I didn’t count neither one and so we both counting this one as a time first or not I don’t know. But the highlight of the day was when my brother covered us up with toys, covers and the such. It was bliss I loved it and you seemed to also.

September 25, 2009 11:21 pm

It has been a while but I haven’t needed to write much; last night you did mention that you wish to get out of your AP classes, today you tried and gave up, I wish you hadn’t just yet because I don’t know how you will stay alive this year. Oh well I guess it’s too late. I should finish the things from above. The last thing left is the test that you will take on Sunday or Monday; I wonder what the result will be, I’ll be with you one way or another, but I hope it’s the –(negative) way.

September 27 2009 2:23

Yesterday you were sad, really sad; I was unable to help, even though I thought about it every second. I hope that everything turns out to be good with the collages thing. I love you…

I don’t know if I should black out some of the things written in this file, hmmm, I’ll flip a coin. Heads-yes, tails-no, drum roll please ……. Tails ok so now you will see all of it but… ughhh there is a surprise idea in here I don’t want to let you know about yet. But I would like you to text me your mothers number please and thank you. :*

3:21

Shit I forgot about Friday, I just remembered because you are reading my document. Well I came over, we talked a bit and then ended up in your bed partially under covers almost having sex. I wish we were alone, but I can’t have everything( I have the perfect girl). This girl even have me a blowjob, short it was, but I liked it still more the thought of us 69ing than the  two seconds themselves. I can’t wait we’ll have some fun education in the art of oral sex .

October 2, 2009 11:14 pm

It seems I don’t write in here often, more like never; I don’t do so because I have been feeling very lonely lately and don’t wish you to know. I have been brooding and sulking and it’s not good. Today, ten minutes ago, I stumbled upon a old journal, from eighth grade, inside the journal I found many of my thoughts, badly spoken and illustrated but they are there nonetheless. I had come upon my writings of my visit to FDR, and later a poem, it brings tears to my eyes to think of myself back then wearing my mask. I love you. hmmm that seems  like our expression when ever we feel sad. Have you noticed that as well? I wish you would stop procrastinating so much, because you are not only hurting your health, your grades, and self-esteem, but you are also hurting me indirectly. You cut our time short so you can go and do what you do to procrastinate then yell at me through aim and later come crying back. I don’t mind the emotional rollercoaster when it is needed, but I do mind it when there is no reason for it. I hope you aren’t mad at me for saying this, but if you are I’ll just have to kiss some ass and fix this, again.

October 7, 2009 10:14 pm

Well once again I visit my notes upon which I pour my soul and let you watch it as it fries sunny side up, lol like eggs on a pan. In the last few days a few things happened which deserve some reflection. On Monday we had a very nice sexual experience . But although this was nice, we still used no protection, but we took a preg test, strike that YOU took one, and it was neg so we are now “happy”. On the realization that you and I are safe for now, we thought about other things and both had thought about a prior thought: the slow descent of our relationship into monotony. I do not know what should be done to prevent this process, but I don’t mind trying what you stated in your notebook (not having sex and such, because it might be these activities that are getting in the way).

The SAC SGO thing is a bit of a disappointment, I was told that they do more work, but instead of anything challenging and having to take on more responsibilities we are sitting arguing about what room a school party will take place in.

My grades have improved much since the start of this year, but my communication with fellow classmates has still been lacking, when compared to the correspondences I held before our union.

The SAT is but around the corner and I  am beginning to feel great unease mixed with pungent anticipation. I have a small dilemma facing me, which concerns my classes with Vicky and my math tutor; should I continue going or should rest, focus on school and my loved one, until I receive the test back?

Speaking of you, I have a few surprises I have come up with. One is not so good, in fact it’s just plain bad in my opinion, but the others have their merits. One which I believe might be very nice is leaving a “cat-nip” rose in your locker( I know the combination 5- 35- 15) I lost the paper that contained your combo :’(. Ok, now that that’s said and done, I had an idea to give you an assortment of Pilot pens as a gift. Another idea was to leave a few bananas in your locker I just remembered the failed attempt to surprise me last year.

October 14, 2009 11:11

Friday, hmmm what shall I say? The sat was a pain in the ass and pride, I had done much worse than I had planned to; mom hasn’t let the topic go, in fact, I believe it’s the underlining thought for her right now because she keeps getting mad at every little misdeed. I hope you study, even though Nicky said that Baldwin will teach you all you will ever need to know about essays, with some company, not Vicky because even though the companies are pricier they seem to have better effects, as far as the essay is concerned. I also hope for your sake that you can control your nerves on the day of the sat because, although I did not show mine, I still had blood vessels bursting in my nose lol.

Sunday, the day after the sat, was nice; my brother and I met you at ninth ave and went to the city to eat, drink and have fun. You took tons of pictures, which you later posted up on facebook because I demanded it.

Monday was in a way much the same, except you came over my house after the trip aroundManhattan. We at first talked for a bit and then jumped straight into our usual business of promiscuity, I tried to get a bj, but you stopped and I noticed that you still dislike it quiet profoundly. After a very emotional breakdown from the both of us, we decided to practice celibacy. Although I was against this idea when you introduced it, mostly because although I do not get much pleasure from the act, I still like to pleasure you, I am all for the idea now because it will get us talking more (something I have already noted).

Tuesday, I don’t remember much of Tuesday but I believe it was a normal day during which you disclosed your unease with the abstinence idea.

Today was much like Tuesday,(do you notice the monotones?) except that I took a nap(starting the polyphasical sleep thing) sorry that I did not include many feeling in this entry but its late and I can not remember many of them.

Just came from the shower, where I think about many things. One such thing was the fact that I write so little, and you so much. I came to this conclusion, which is most likely wrong, but it makes sense in my brain. The conclusion goes as follows, “we write in the style that we wish we could live in” my proof (although shaky) is this “I live a life based more on the moment and not on the utilitarian point of view, but think in the utilitarian view (this is why I see myself in such a bad light), but I write about the time in a vague sense using great periods of time and not moments. You on the other hand live a more future based life, doing things so that the positives out-weigh the negatives in the end, and yet you long for a relaxed life of living-in-the-moment; you write in much the same way that you wished you lived, you talk about the very moment that you felt some feeling of other.”

On another note I wonder when we will refrain from abstinence, because although I like that we are doing it now, we will run into the opposite problem of becoming just best friends that kiss. So that we do not find ourselves on any one side of this line, we must find a balance between sex and locution in our relationship.

October 242009 8:00 am

I wonder how you are, I’m on the train toManhattan—taking my brother to class—I wish you could come along, but I guess I should start getting used to not seeing you often. Your grades have descended to a place which I didn’t think yours could; actually, I won’t say that because I don’t yet know your grades, neither do I know my own, but I am hoping for a low ninety or a high eighty average. Am I too enthusiastic, will I be hurt, I have begun to care about my grades so much, its saddening to my former self; I wonder if I’ll stay this way.

I think we should reinstate the celibacy idea, which we had followed for a few days. My reasoning for this is that the two of us get too wrapped  up in it, especially myself, that we stop talking stop having fun and instead we have these futile attempts at running that rob us of our time. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to kep doing this, but I think our relationship will suffer, it looks like it already is. I don’t know if this is true, I hope it’s

Just my imagination messing with me, but I think I work at this relationship than you do. I am the one that does the surprises, the one that comes over, the one that tries to spend any snippet of free time with you. I know you have a busy schedule but its only thus because you procrastinate and spend so much time doing things other than your homework and your projects, this is hypocritical of me because I spend so much time with tribal wars, but on the other hand I usually have so much less to do than you do, so I can kill some time here and there. You quiting the SGO, was a very disappointing moment because, i liked that we finally shared something, but I guess we’re so opposite that when one becomes like the other, the second must become like the first used to be. I dislike that you are struggling and I know that this year is hard withBaldwinand arcuri but, you have to trudge on. This disappointment was only strengthened by you thinking about joining the fencing team (although I AM happy that you will pursue that which you had wanted before) because I won’t be able to see you at all and also because you’ll have even less free time than before.

Depression

It has been a while
since my vile style
has been transcribed.
It was being derived
from my childish mind,
constantly brewing,
but never spewing.
Such unhealthy repression
causes severe depression.
So before i spiral
to the abyss of pyral
demise, i must paralyze
the dreams I’ve fantasized.

10/2011

Shame

Sheep lost; stare with eyes blind;
Unable to see the light, they walk behind
The shepherd, waiting for sacrifice divine.

The horse’s mane drenched with sweat of righteous
work whips as it shakes, with red spittle  foaming
at its mouth. The bit bites into the flesh; flowing blood foams and
falls to feed the worms. The loyal dog guards
a house, abandoned. No food, no warmth excites
his tender heart. Only the sharp whistle of the wind
bites into his fur. We are all the same.

11/2011

X

A short in-class witting piece about something in the room.

A cross-hair for a sniper placed before me.
Black on beige, a sin of passion, a sin of innocence.
Innocent, untouched, benign it sits.
Devoted time of artist young.
Winking at a meaning unknown to you
It hovers, yearning for your touch.
Its existence was a sin
Sullying the canvas upon which it was put down,
In juxtaposition, by the golden artist.
Two intersecting lines are all i is, yet
They evoke more. more passion, more confusion, more compassion, and an allusion to the center.

I decided to write about the letter x someone wrote on the desk.

9/2011